


Pumpkin Eater

by unsp00kable



Series: A Harvest of Pumpkins [1]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Call Out My Name, Coach Victor Nikiforov, Depression, Engagement, Eros Katsuki Yuuri, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Katsuki Yuuri Is a Victor Nikiforov Fan, Lots of Crying, M/M, SPOILER ALERT:, Self-Discovery, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Wedding Planning, Yuuri and Phichit Are Best Friends, cursing, dont read if you dont want to be sad, inspired by a song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-08-17 12:00:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16516055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unsp00kable/pseuds/unsp00kable
Summary: Little did I know that thirty minutes in to dinner Phichit and I would be gagging for a whole other reason. That is, watching my fiancé walk in to the secluded seating holding the hand of some woman.Inspired by Call Out My Name by The Weeknd





	Pumpkin Eater

**Author's Note:**

> Hewwo!
> 
> So, I've been working on this fic since June!
> 
> I hope you all like it!
> 
> Remember, I have no fucking clue about skating. 
> 
> I HIGHLY recommend listening to Call Out My Name by The Weeknd before reading the fic and during Yuuri's performance since it greatly inspired it. 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsEne1ZiQrk
> 
> Not all Characters are mine.

_ So here I am back at square one. I’m home again, well not exactly home, after failing for the whole world to see in so many different ways. _

 

_ I’ve skated for so many years and have nothing to prove it. Even after meeting my childhood idol, and sharing the ice with him. Am I that much of an unimpressionable skater that he didn’t at least recognize me just a little? _

 

_ Anyways, that was the past. I’d thought I’d lost it all to that competition, I couldn’t bare to go on the ice again. I moped around depressed for a while in Detroit where I was going to college. Until Phichit, my best friend, my rink mate who also happened to be my roommate talked some sense into me. Go back to the basics, remember what had gotten me competing on the ice all those years ago. _

 

_ I’d learned to skate with my friend Yuuko when we were very young. There isn’t much to do in little town Hasetsu but ice skating sorta became our thing. _

 

_ I can remember the first time we memorized one of His free skates. We were 12 and He was 16. After that we both started to pursue ice skating, even going as far as competing. _

 

_ It’s amazing, this time two years ago I was exactly where I am now; depressed, and losing my love for the ice. Again. _

 

_ For fucks sake, you’d think even after getting an ice skating legend as a coach that I’d have at least one gold medal to show for it. But nope, all I got was a shattered heart and a broken career. _

 

_ I just don’t know if I can get into a pair of skates, much less back on the ice. Not after- _

 

_ I can’t think about this right now. _

 

The Japanese man squeezed his eyes shut to not let himself shed another tear for  _ him. _

 

Him: The one that inspired Yuuri in the first place, the one that made him realize he’s always been enough- he just hadn’t had the confidence to see it.

 

_ You see, I was in love. As much as it hurt to think about it, I made sense of a lot of things. _

_ Number one, there’s a difference between loving someone and being in love. Same with being infatuated with someone. Knowing them superficially and knowing their heart, deepest desires and their mind is something totally different. _

 

_ It’s safe to say I’d loved Him since first watching him dance on the ice, becoming infatuated with his talent and his personality. Since then, I’ve always watched Him. _

 

_ Even when I came to terms with the idea that I was in love with Him, I blew money that I didn’t have on silly rings. I needed something physical, something tangible to make our love seem real. _

 

_ Number two, I never really knew Him. _

_ Our love was a whirl wind, dizzying from moving so fast. We learned each other inside out, delving for more than what was on the surface. That summer we spent together not only was full of memorizing each other’s bodies but each other’s hopes and dreams. He told me I was robbing Him of his heart so I gave him mine to pay him back. _

 

_ I believed it. _

 

_ oh boy, was I wrong. _

 

_ A whole year and a half- _

 

_ I caught Him cheating. _

 

_ Now, I’d had my suspicions for about a month, but I was way too in love with Him, too blind to see he’d truly never loved me. _

 

_ All those little smiles at his screen that weren’t for me. _

 

_ The receipts lying around from ordering bouquet after bouquet of roses that weren’t sent to me. _

 

_ The champagne bottles on the floor and lipstick stains on the mug that He bought me. _

 

_ I was so stupid. _

 

_ Phichit was in St.Petersburg, visiting me after haven’t seeing each other for a while. He had invited me to Hitachiin, a Thai restaurant across the city from Victor’s and my apartment. _

 

_ I told Victor our plans, that Phichit was taking me out tonight and to not wait up for me since I didn’t know how late I’d be getting back. Knowing Phichit he’d drag me into a few gay clubs before sending me “back to domestic bliss.” _

 

_ Victor seemed very distracted that night, not even responding to the joke I cracked about how Phichit is crazy picking Thai food made in Russia. _

 

_ The only thing that had him smiling was his phone buzzing every ten minutes. _

 

_ So, I left early going to meet Phichit at his hotel hoping to beat the traffic. _

 

_ Making it to the restaurant a few hours later, I picked a table in a secluded section of the restaurant. I wanted to make sure that if either one of us gagged from how gross the food could potentially be, that we wouldn’t be where everyone could see. _

 

_ Little did I know that thirty minutes in to dinner Phichit and I would be gagging for a whole other reason. That is, watching my fiancé walk in to the secluded seating holding the hand of some woman. _

 

He pulled out her chair, pushing it in for her when she sat down. Their faces leaned in closer, closer, and close-

 

Yuuri couldn’t bare to watch. He began to memorize the design of the tablecloth, curling his toes inside his leather shoes.

 

She was gorgeous, tall, blond, and wearing a familiar shade of lipstick. Whoever she was, it was hard to look at anything else, except for the gleam of Victor’s ring still resting on his finger.

 

_ That ring is a lie. _

 

Phichit was clenching his jaw, his thick brows lowering as he glared. He wanted to walk up to Him and break his face for breaking his best friend’s heart and betraying Yuuri like that.

 

The Thai guy wasn’t about to do that though, he needed to get Yuuri out of there first. Facing his friend, Phichit looked at Yuuri’s face to gauge how to handle the situation.

 

Staring blankly at the wine they ordered, he listened to the love of his life giggle and be fond over someone else. Yuuri’s eyes were the size of saucers, eyes twitching as to not cry. His cheeks were red, either from embarrassment or from holding his breath trying to make himself invisible.

 

Phichit knew these signs all too well, he’d witnessed his roommie have a million panic attacks on and off the ice.

 

Tapping on the table lightly to get Yuuri to look up, Phichit smiled mouthing “Wanna get out of here?”

 

All the Japanese man could do was nod as his life came crashing down around him.

_ Is this what it feels like to drown? Oh my gosh I can’t breathe…Victor…. _

 

Quietly they both rose, Phichit leading Yuuri to the front of the restaurant whilst paying the server for their half drunk wine.

How weird it was for Yuuri, to be running away from Victor while he is spiraling like this.

Phichit gripped his hand gently, letting him know he was done. Time did not exist for Yuuri then, he was too busy in his own head, trying to hold himself together.

_ Usually Victor comforts you when you’re like this, why are you leaving he is right there. _

_ Go to him, he’ll tell you everything is okay. No need to freak out. _

_ He’ll just open his arms wide with that smile that’s just for you; hold you until you can hold yourself up right again. Victor is so understanding, don’t be embarrassed… _

**_No._ **

**_You can’t run to Victor right now, he’s the reason you’re panicking for fucks sake._ **

**_Deep down you thought he was cheating, and now you have your answer. No matter how much it hurts…_ **

The sound of a car door shutting snapped Yuuri out of it. Somehow Phichit had gotten Yuuri’s keys out of his pocket and got Yuuri in the car without him realizing it.

His heart and his mind were at war, his heart reminding him of how much Victor loves him and his mind replaying what he just saw with his own eyes.

“I don’t want to go home.” Yuuri whined quietly, his vision clouding with the tears building in his eyes.

“You know you always have a place to stay with me Yuuri. Spend the night with me in my hotel tonight.”

 

Yuuri has Phichit speed to his and Victor’s apartment that night, asking him to pack as many of Yuuri’s things as he could fit into all the luggage he owned from moving to St.Petersburg in the first place.

 

Phichit jogged in, not taking anything that would remind Yuuri of the legend he loved so dearly.

 

While driving them both to his hotel, Phichit was the most silent he had ever been. He’d have tried to talk about what they saw and try to help Yuuri make sense of it and even encourage him to talk to Victor about it. But he knew that’s not what Yuuri needed at the moment, it would only set him off. So he kept driving, his heart quivering at the pain Yuuri’s must be going through as he listened to Yuuri’s shallow breaths.

 

Phichit waited in his hotel room scrolling through Victor’s Instagram trying to figure out who that woman was until his best friend was ready to talk. Yuuri was curled up in bed next to him, shaking and quietly crying. The night went by like this for an agonizing two hours.

 

Phichit thought to himself,  _ I can’t imagine Victor doing this, he seemed so in love. I’m going to text Chris and see if he knows what’s going on. _

 

Yuuri finally broke around midnight.

When he broke, he broke  _ hard _ , heavy sobs racking his body as Phichit held him in his arms comforting.

 

It wasn’t until 3 AM that he passed out, tear stains on his and Phichit’s shirt.

 

Having to go to the bathroom at 4 AM Yuuri rolled off of Phichit, accidentally waking him. Leaving the bathroom light on so they had a little light, he was ready to talk.

 

_ My heart hurts so bad. _

 

“I can’t help but think I know him,

I know what’s in his heart and what he wouldn’t do to hurt me.” he said with a rasp from crying his heart out.

 

_ Everything hurts, thinking and even  _ breathing _. _

 

Bottom lip shaking he takes a deep breath trying not to cry again. His body was severely dehydrated as it was. Yuuri sat on the edge of the bed just in case he passed out on his friend.

 

“He made me so confident in us, in him, in  _ myself _ . And for that to be completely  _ shattered _ .” Yuuri hiccuped as he started to cry again.

 

“Maybe it isn’t what we saw.” Phichit tried to talk some sense into Yuuri for both of their sakes. He can’t stand seeing his best friend broken like that.

 

Yuuri met Phichit’s eyes for the first time since they graced the blond woman earlier that night.

 

“Peach, please don’t. Don’t try to give me false hope about this.”

 

“All I’m saying is maybe you should talk with Victor. Don’t let him bullshit you though.”

 

Looking down at his lap, Yuuri said in a quiet voice, “I can’t do that. It’s not just tonight. I’ve noticed...other things too.”

 

Refraining from starting a Twitter war and marching over to Victor’s apartment, Phichit took a deep breath. Keeping his emotions in control, he asked what Yuuri meant and how long he’s noticed.

 

“He’s been buying roses and sending them to someone nearly twice a week for about a month now. I’ve noticed a lot of hair ties lying around the house when both of us don’t have the need for them. Half the time there’s half drunk bottles of champagne lying all over the dining room floor. Some days he just ditches me at practice, leaving me at the rink, telling me to run through my routines without him and takes the car. Sure he always comes to pick me up hours later but when we get home I always notice his and my mug in the sink, lip stain on it.”

 

_ I can’t believe this is happening, something so stupid. I should’ve known, I don’t even know how we even got together in the first place. _

 

_ My phone started ringing, now at nearly 5 AM, with a selfie of Him and I on my screen. It’s the picture of when we were at the beach in Japan not long after him becoming my coach. You can see the hickey he left on my neck from the first time we made love. _

 

_ I can’t even say his name anymore _

 

“Even though this is a really weird situation, and we don’t know everything maybe you should answer it Yuuri. From his point of view, it seems as though you’ve just vanished into the night.” Phichit said.

 

“I can’t do it Peach, I don’t have it in me to h-h-ear his voice.”

 

He called 7 times after that, causing me to block his number. I guess I must have passed out right after that because I don’t remember anything else. With as much crying and emotional stress I’d gone through that night, I’m surprised I was even able to move let alone talk without sounding too hoarse.

 

_ When I woke up around noon, Phichit was already up, handing me some pain meds for my killer headache and some water to go with it. I wanted to check my phone, which Phichit must’ve charged after I knocked out earlier that morning, but I thought against it. _

_ What did all those texts say that he sent me? That he’s sorry? That it’s true, and he never wants to see me again? I don’t think my heart can take much more after almost seeing him about to kiss her… _

Yuuri could feel his heart give an aggressive squeeze, his chest tightening as the pain from last night came rushing back. To distract himself from the feeling of his heart trying to break even more, he opened up and started thinking out loud. He hoped his best friend, whom he trusted with his life could help him figure everything out. If it’s one person he knows he can trust all of this with it’s Phichit. So Yuuri began to recount even more of His suspicious behavior while sitting in front of the room service breakfast that he couldn’t bring himself to touch. Like how he smiled at his phone all the time, leaving the room for certain phone calls.

That had been going on longer than a month.

Yuuri will never forget one time in the middle of the night he woke up, turning towards Victor’s side of the bed to snuggle into his chest, hoping for maybe a little more. All he was met with was a face full of Makkachin’s floof, the silvery sound of Victor’s laugh snaking its way in with the nighttime breeze from where he was standing outside on their bedroom balcony. Only half awake, Yuuri watched his fiancé talk adamantly on the phone, his hair the same color of the moonlight that bathed him. Ever so patient, the smaller man tried to stay awake until Victor was done on the phone, but he had fell asleep before that could happen.

_ I should’ve said something then, walked up to him and asked him who he was talking to at almost near dawn. _

Seemingly on cue, it was Phichit’s turn for his phone to get bombarded with texts and calls from you-know-who.

 

“He’s worried about you Yuuri.”

 

“Oh yeah, he didn’t seem to care about me last night when I told him ‘I love you’ while he smiled at his phone.” I snarled back.

 

Quick to apologize Yuuri said, “I’m sorry Peach, it’s not your fault. You’re here visiting on vacation while this shitstorm is happening.”

 

Giving his best friend his most empathetic smile, Phichit said “It’s all right I’m really glad I’m here to support you Yuu, you’re like family to me.”

Trying to cheer up his best friend, the Thai skater thought of something. Feeling a cool smirk grow on his face he asked,

‘Hey, wanna relive our college days?”

 

“You mean, be cooped up in a small room watching anime and stuffing ourselves with fast food because we were too poor to do anything else all day??” Yuuri asked excitedly.

 

“You know me so fucking well.” Phichit says chuckling.

 

That’s how we spent that day, after I unblocked and texted Him:

 

*I need space.*

 

—————————————————————

 

“C-Chris?”

 

Victor let out a wet hiccup into his phone.

 

He’d been in bed, crying, since late the night before.

 

“Victor would you care to explain what the actual  _ fuck _ you’ve done?”

 

Sitting straight up in their bed, the Russian looked out at St.Petersburg, early dawn light filtering through the bay windows.

 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” pausing to take a deep breath so he doesn’t sob straight into the phone, “Chris I think there’s something wrong with Yuuri.”

 

There was a sigh that sounded a lot like a Swedish curse coming from the other side of the line.

 

“When was the last time you spoke to your Katsudon?”

 

Rasping Victor replied with, “Ummm yesterday, in the evening. We were fine watching tv in the living room and then suddenly he was gone. I remembered him saying something about Phichit coming into town the day before so I just assumed that’s where he went.”

 

He paused yet again to hiccup and rub his swollen eyes.

 

“He hasn’t been back since yesterday. I tried calling him and texting him many times and even reached out to Phichit. Chris what do you think Yuuri meant when he texted me he ‘needs some space?’”

 

“Victor.” Chris tries to interrupt for the second time.

 

“Do you think he’s going to leave me? I know I’m high maintenance and clingy but-“

 

“Victor Nikiforov ifyoudontletmegetonewordinI’mhangingup!”

 

There was a beat of silence as Victor tried to calm himself down.

 

“Good, you can actually hear me. Tell me, where were you last night Victor?”

 

“ Home, but then I went to a restaurant after I got hungry since Yuuri was gone and Lord knows I can’t cook.”

 

“Hmmm, were you alone?”

 

“No, I met up with...Yulia.”

 

_ “Who??“ _

 

Rubbing his forehead squeezing the bridge of his nose, Victor sighed deeply and explained,

 

“My wedding planner.”

 

“Does Yuuri know who she is? Do you swear to God she’s just your wedding planner? Honestly Victor, sometimes I feel like you aren’t even self-aware...”

Victor closed his eyes, lying back on his pillow letting his phone slip from his ear a bit, missing a part of the Swiss’ rant. However he did catch the last bit of it.

“ …because if you don’t fix this you’re going to lose him if you haven’t already. Then there won’t be a wedding.”

 

—————————————————————

 

Between their second and third bottle of overpriced wine during their “relive college day,” Yuuri had bought a plane ticket to Detroit, where Phichit is training for a while. The next morning, they headed to the airport with whatever belongings Phichit had grabbed from his apartment.

 

“Have you even talked to him yet Yuuri? Maybe you shouldn’t leave Russia while you two have all this bad blood.”

 

“I thought about calling him, but it hurts too bad. I wouldn’t be able to talk to him, not after  _ this _ and certainly not about...” Yuuri let’s out a deep sigh.

 

“Besides I unblocked him yesterday and I’ve yet to hear anything.”

 

Phichit hadn’t heard anything from Chris either, which was weird to be honest.

 

“You fleeing with me to another country in the middle of a potential break up without even confronting Victor in person sounds like a terrible fan fiction Yuuri.”

 

Yuuri’s face hinted at a smile, remembering those days of reading and joking about fan fics about Victor Nikiforov and other skaters with Phichit. They even wrote a few crack fics, shipping themselves with characters. Yuuri always included himself as an original character, shipping himself with Victor, having a huge wedding  _ on the ice _ with Phichit as his best man.

 

Yuuri thought, just for a few happy moments in his life, that it might all come true. All of it, except for Phichit’s ship (which we will not mention), almost came true. Yuuri almost ended up living happily ever after with the man he fell in love with.

 

Smirking Yuuri replies with, “Nah, I think this sounds like a better fic than the ones you wrote about you and-“

 

“Okay! Cool, let’s go then. What about your car though? It can’t stay parked at the airport forever and you have the keys...”

 

Passing by the mail service office in the airport Yuuri gets an idea. Snatching an envelope and a sticky note, he scribbled down the address of Victor’s apartment on the front of the envelope. He took his keys out of his pocket, with his apartment key, car key, and master key to the Team Russia skating rink all on the same ring.

 

While jotting down the address and lot number that the car was parked at on the sticky note, Yuuri had another thought.

_ Guess this doesn’t mean anything now… _

Looking at the gold on his knuckle reminded him of what could’ve been, like wearing someone else’s gold medal.

Tears threatened to spill as he kissed the gold band on his finger one last time, slipping it off, adding it to the key ring. It looked as if it were a key chain, a souvenir from the love Yuuri and Victor once had.

 

“Yuuri you shouldn’t-“ Phichit started.

 

“I do Peach, I need to return the keys and this ring because they’re both his. Sure I bought the ring but if I’m need to let him go after all this. It feels like wearing someone else’s gold medal, something that was never mine in the first place. With all that’s happened, this ring feels like a golden ball and chain. I need to get rid of it now before it weighs me down any longer.”

 

Shoving the key ring with the gold band attached in the yellow envelope with the post it note inside, Yuuri sent it off through same- day express mail.

 

_ By the time he gets this, hopefully I’ll be in Detroit. _

 

—————————————————————

 

After getting off the phone with Chris, explaining that he’d been secretly meeting with a wedding planner for months now, Victor cried some more. 

 

Chris had raised his voice at him, exasperated. This is the first time he’d ever heard his friend talk this way. An angry Chris is something that you do not want to fuck with.

 

“Victor, Victor, Victor, are you telling me that you’ve been sneaking around Yuuri with someone, planning a whole wedding behind his back?”

 

“...yes.”

 

“Ghosting Yuuri at practice, meeting this, this woman, bringing her into the apartment where you and Yuuri live together, -“

 

“It’s not how it sounds, you are twisting around my words.”

 

“-taste testing different types of champagnes and wines, sending sample bouquets of roses?? How am I twisting your words Vic?? You haven’t even properly proposed to Yuuri yet, but if I were him I would divorce you this instant.”

 

By this point Victor had to cover his mouth and move his phone a little. Broken sobs echoed in that big empty apartment, tears waterfalling against the planes of his face.

 

Sighing, knowing how The Great Victor Nikiforov is not as strong and uber confident as his persona eludes to, he softens his voice.

 

“He saw you with Yulia last night, wherever you took her out to. Phichit said you  _ kissed _ ??”

 

All Victor could focus on was the part about Phichit.

 

“You’ve talked to Phichit? He won’t answer my phone calls either, is he with my Yuuri? Tell them both or either of them to call me please? I at least need to know if he’s alright.”

 

Chris stayed quiet on the line for a few seconds, waiting for what he said to register in his friend’s mind. He was waiting for an honest answer, if Victor really had kissed this “wedding planner” he didn’t know what he’d do. Chris didn’t think he could empathize with Victor if he had. If he truly was cheating on the Katsudon, Chris’ perspective on his friend, who he’d looked up to himself, would change.

 

“Wait...Wait. Phichit and Yuuri were at Hitachiin’s last night too?” The room began to spin for Victor.

 

A little harsher, Chris asked “Victor Nikiforov are you cheating on Yuuri?”

 

“I’ve...gotta go.” Victor said before hanging up.

 

Victor cried, heaving as his body was severely dehydrated. He was out of tears, salt stains down the front of his shirt and face.

 

_ Yuuri- he couldn’t think I’m cheating could he? _

 

Practically crawling to the kitchen to reach the electrolyte rich sports drinks that they kept in the pantry, Victor nearly blacked out.

 

Chugging one down, he thought some more.

 

_ Have I really been this occupied, planning a wedding that Yuuri should be a part of planning for, a wedding that I’d never proposed to happen? For my Yuuri- _

 

From being so upset and fatigued, Victor’s stomach rejected the fluids he was taking in. Holding his breath, his body worked to rid itself of the orange liquid.

_ For Yuuri to feel like I don’t want him? For him to feel neglected. When did it get this bad? I love him to death, doesn’t he know this? _

 

Victor spent most of the day on the kitchen floor, waiting for  _ something _ from Yuuri. He hadn’t realized it, but his phone had died sometime during the day. He only got up when Makkachin started crying to potty outside.

 

That night he slept alone, in their bed that was meant for two, tossing and turning as he felt his heart turn colder than the ice he loved so much.

—————————————————————

 

_ I hate thinking I still have hope for him but I do. Why hasn’t he tried to text me? Still nothing? _

 

_ I could feel my lip start to wobble, thinking the most terrible thoughts. I could feel myself start to spiral on the taxi ride to Phichit’s condo. _

 

_ What am I doing here? Why did I leave? Phichit was right I’m a total coward for not talking to Victor. I’m overreacting, it’s probably a misunderstanding. _

 

“Now you’re thinking.” Phichit says with his kind eyes.

 

“I hate to tell you Yuuri, but... I asked Chris to talk to Vi-Him for us and… he couldn’t get any solid explanation for that night out of him.”

 

_ Building after building flashed outside the window. Peach has seen me cry too many times. _

 

“I mean, I hate saying this and don’t take it wrong I’m not rooting for Him nor not rooting for Him. But, I guess everyone is innocent until proven guilty right?”

 

Yuuri silently watched as the city passed by trying not to whimper as his eyes began to burn with tears.

In Yuuri’s defense, he hasn’t slept well these past few nights, waking up from mirages of Victor and his dreamy voice. All his dreams are merely memories of the Russian trying to soothe Yuuri with kisses on his forehead and eyelids, where he carries his stress the most.

 

“The shitty part about this Yuuri is, you do realize the China Cup has been moved? It is in three days now, not a week. So...”

 

Speaking for the first time in a long while Yuuri rasps over the lump in his throat, “Driver take me to the ice rink,” rambling the address.

 

“Whoa-“

 

Yuuri interrupts, “Phichit is it okay if I use your skates, I listened to a song on the plane ride here and, and I need to skate.”

 

Carefully looking at Yuuri,at his tear stricken cheeks, Phichit answers “Of course, you knew before you even asked.”

 

“Also,” taking a deep breath, “ I’m going to need your help keeping me away from Him and keeping Him away if he gets too close at the Cup. I think I have a whole new routine I’d rather do if Celestino could help me smooth it out a little.”

 

—————————————————————

 

After waking up the second morning in a row to an empty bed, Victor was torn, He was stuck between respecting Yuuri, giving him the space he wanted and blowing up his phone, begging his detka (baby) to talk to him.

_ I wonder if he’s with Phichit still? I hope he’s safe and okay wherever he is. This is terrible. _

 

Wallowing in pain with only Makkachin to comfort him, there was a knock at the door. Disturbing his fluffy companion, the only one that truly has been there for him through thick and thin, he got up praying to see Yuuri.

 

“Delivery for you Mr.Nikiforov, please sign.”

 

It was only the friendly post man, speaking in quick Russian.

 

“Where’s your other half?” He smiled, slightly thankful he didn’t have to struggle speaking in English to Yuuri.

 

Over the span that Yuuri lived with Victor, the neighbors, doorman, even the post man, had fallen in love with him too. Yuuri is just that great of a person.

 

“He’s...still in bed.” Victor said sullenly holding the back of his neck with his hand.

 

“Oh, tell him I said hello.”

 

“Will do.”

 

Closing the door, Victor held the yellow envelope warily. It jangled when he moved it.

 

_ I’m not expecting a package, wonder what this could be. _

 

Ripping off the top of the envelope with shaky hands since he hasn’t eaten properly in a few days, Victor looks inside.

 

He pulls out what looks to be Yuuri’s car keys. By now Victor’s whole body was trembling, Makkachin wearily standing at her owner’s feet. Reading the sticky note over and over Victor was confused- unfamiliar with the address. It wasn’t until he felt the familiar texture of the gold band on the key ring that he noticed it was there and everything clicked.

 

The keys, the envelope, everything slipped out of his hands just like how he was letting Yuuri slip through his fingers. Makkachin leapt three feet in the air, startled as Victor made a mad dash to his bedroom where he left his phone.

 

_ No no no this can’t be what I think it means, please don’t be true. _

The feeling of warm tears falling down his face was starting to become painfully familiar for Victor as his throat constricted, a lump forming.

 

He tried to call Yuuri again but it just rang and rang, the sound of his voice greeting Victor to his voicemail. He rang Phichit once, and then Chris, who was still unreasonably sour with him and was probably ignoring Victor.

 

No one was answering his calls.

 

He knew what he had to do, calling one of the second to last people he knew could help him, he held his breath.

 

“What do you want old man?”

 

“I need you to watch Makka, I need to make an important trip.”

Victor couldn’t hear it for himself, but his voice was a wreck from sobbing for the past few days and had a desperate tinge to it. The Russian punk could hear the havoc in his voice, chills going down his spine in alarm.

Victor had prepared to beg, but to his relief, Yurio was agreeing within minutes.

“Da (yes), just make sure your dumb dog doesn’t reek. Potya doesn’t like it.’

 

—————————————————————

 

_ Hopefully I can get on the ice. _

 

_ I mean, sure He is where I learned to appreciate the ice from but he isn’t everything. _

 

_ I’d heard a song on the plane, I listened to it, memorized it and felt every single word in my soul. _

 

_ I probably listened to it about twenty times, but it expresses how I’m feeling right now. _

 

_ I need to skate to it; _

 

_ right now, and at the Cup. _

 

_ I don’t think I can look at Him let alone talk to Him. The thought of Him and Her keep me up at night. It makes sense he’d end up with someone as flawless as he is to the public. Even after being together a year and a half, people still thought He was only dating me out of pity. Just because my skating record and social life isn’t as perfect as his, they seen me to be an unfit match for Russia’s Sweetheart. _

 

_ But, whoever this tall blond is, fits the perfect description on what Victor needs; a pretty side piece to complete his persona. _

 

Tightening Phichit’s borrowed skates, he takes a few pumps of air, hoping that’ll calm him down. He smoothly made his way to the edge of the rink, bending down to take off the skate guards.

 

_ I can’t believe I really am back here at square one. I might as well move back in with my parents again, this all feels like deja vu. _

 

Taking his first glide on to the ice, his knees were shaking.

 

_ I’m losing my love for the ice all over again, my confidence is gone. All my Eros gusto buried somewhere in Russia. This rink feels like home away from home though so that helps. _

 

He cues for the song “ [ Call Out My Name ](https://youtu.be/rsEne1ZiQrk) ” by The Weeknd to begin playing. As the songs first notes begin to play, Yuuri thinks:

 

_ I will learn to love myself and the ice again, but this time without His help. I will speak to Him through the only thing he seems to truly care about since it’s a part of him:  the ice. _

 

**“/** **_We found each other_ **

**_I helped you out of a broken place_ ** **/“**

 

Yuuri glided on the ice, not really paying attention to choreography at all. He just moved his body to convey how he felt on the inside.

 

Each line spoke to him, setting him on a passionate fire.

 

**_“/But falling for you was my mistake._ **

**_I put you on top, I put you on top,_ **

**_I claimed you so proud and openly_ ** **/“**

 

_ Like how I admired you, my idol. I was overjoyed when I thought you honestly wanted to be my coach. _

 

**_“/And when times were rough, when times were rough, I made sure I held you close to me/“_ **

 

At this line, Yuuri raised his arm in the air, mocking the opening to Victor’s skate of Stammi Vicino. He spun, preparing to jump his thighs tensing as he sticks the landing to the beat of the music.

 

**_“/Call out my name when I kiss you so gently_ **

**_I want you to stay/“_ **

 

_ Stammi Vicino means so much to you and I. Not only did we pair skate to it, but it also drove you to me from the triplets posting a video of me skating to it. Yet, the whole song has a theme of a lover begging for someone to stay close to them. Now if that isn’t ironic I don’t know what is. _

 

**_“/I want you to stay even though you don't want me_ **

**_Girl, why can't you wait? (why can't you wait, baby?)_ **

**_Girl, why can't you wait 'til I fall out of love?/“_ **

 

Slicing through the ice, Yuuri could feel tears building and his face flushing.

 

_ Why couldn’t you have waited? All you would have had to tell me is you didn’t feel the same anymore. That you weren’t happy. I would have been heartbroken, but not as shattered as I am now. We could’ve worked it out. _

 

Watching his toes as he took big strides to the tempo of the song Yuuri’s heart felt as heavy and cold as the ice he was on.

 

Knowing the beats of the song already he launched himself into the air, spinning himself...

 

**_“/I said I didn't feel nothing, baby, but I lied/“_ **

 

...landing a perfect quad, his skates echoing with “lied.”

 

**_“/Guess I was just another pit stop,_ **

**_'Til you made up your mind_** **_,_**

**_You just wasted my time/“_ **

 

Frustrated, Yuuri gained lots of speed and momentum.

 

As The Weeknd crooned on Yuuri thought about how he should be moving his arms.

 

He’d been subconsciously reaching his arms out, as if he was searching for  _ someone’s _ touch.

 

**_“/I made sure I held you close to me/“_ **

 

This time around when this line came up again, Yuuri hugged himself tightly, missing His warmth, His touch, His everything.

 

Yuuri prepared for another jump spinning gracefully stretching his legs.

 

**_“/So call out my name (call out my name, baby)/“_ **

 

_ I even miss the way he said my name, drawing out the u’s and r’s in his Russian accent. When he was tired or tipsy he sounded like Dracula wanting to “suck your blood.” _ Yuuri giggles.

 

By this point, the Japanese skaters’ body was on auto-pilot while he was deep in thought, moving as though this song was made for him to skate to.

 

**_“/Babe, call out my name (say call out my name, baby)_ **

**_Just call out my name and I'll be on my way_ **

**_Girl, I'll be on my—/“_ **

 

_ I love him so much, how am I going to do this?? _

 

**_“/On my way, all the way_ **

**_On my way, all the way, ooh/“_ **

 

_ What am I going to do when he shows up to the Cup? What if he confronts me? What if he just acts like I don’t exist?  What if he brings her there, debuting her as his new lover causing a shitstorm of rumors? _

 

As the last riffs of the song faded out, Yuuri was too deep in his mind, still gliding until he ran into the barrier. Falling on the ice woke him from him receding into a spiral of panic.

 

Phichit had recorded the whole routine from his phone, sending it to Chris with a bunch of crying emojis.

 

Yuuri’s skate to that song was tragically beautiful, his limbs, his movements reflecting the heartbreak he felt on the inside. If this was a product of Yuuri completely freelancing this skate, he can’t imagine what the finished product will look like once he hammers out the details with Celestino.

 

He texted Chris:

 

*What should we do??*

 

—————————————————————

Once Yuri promised to take care of Makka for a couple of days in their apartment, Victor hastily packed a bag with Yurio on speaker phone.

“Be back in time for me to leave for the Cup of China. Okay old man?”

Yurio has his own key to their apartment, given to him from them for whenever Yakov was too annoying or when the teen wanted “privacy” with Otabek. The couple never could stop teasing him about it.

 

“Da, yeah I will.”

 

He hailed a cab, giving the address to the airport requesting to be dropped off in the parking lot. There was a small bit of Victor that thought this had all been a joke of Yuuri’s, that he’d be sitting in the car waiting for Victor.

 

The car was empty.

 

Silently thanking Yuuri for parking the car in the free parking section, Victor knew it’d be safe there for a few days. Walking towards the terminals, he bought a ticket for Japan from his phone for a flight that left in 14 minutes.

 

It was then he got the notification that the Cup of China had been moved up, it being in three days now.

—————————————————————

 

It seemed as though Yuuri never left the ice once landing in Detroit. Spending hours and hours on his routine, his feet had even began to bleed from adding so many jumps to the set.

 

It was so bad that it took Phichit and Celestino to drag him off the ice every night to get some food and sleep in him.

 

The only thing that Yuuri seemed to care about was perfecting the skate, and finding the perfect costume.

 

Of course there was no time for a costume to be perfectly made for him with his vision.

 

So, after digging through closet after closet of costumes in Celestino’s house he found the perfect one. It was vintage- it had once belonged to Celestino’s partner from back when he was an ice dancer in his younger years.

 

The sequins twinkled at him, a deep crimson red- the color of blood and heartbreak.

 

“This is it.” He said breathless.

 

The waist up was all black mesh, the sequins not doing much to conceal anything as they accented the top in sparse swirls. The design reminded Yuuri of curling smoke you’d see coming out of a dragon’s nostrils.

 

Bottom of the costume had a short tulle skirt, the same deep red color.

 

“If I could get someone to shorten the skirt and make it less puffy I could tuck it in to those”

 

Yuuri pointed to Celestino’s two piece costume that matched the one in Yuuri’s hands. The top wasn’t to interesting and wasn’t the look Yuuri wanted. But the bottoms started as the deep crimson that tapered down to solid black at the ankle. Along the legs were mesh cutouts meant to compliment the partner’s costume.

 

Seeing the fiery look of determination on his (former?) student’s face had Celestino giddy.

 

“It’s yours Yuuri.”

 

—————————————————————

 

After a disappointing trip to Hasetsu, Victor boarded yet another plane, this time to China. He had felt a sense of deja vu, showing up to the Onsen unannounced on his quest for Yuuri.

 

He nearly cried when Yuuri’s parents told him he wasn’t there.

 

Quickly backtracking as to not alarm Yuuri’s family that there was anything wrong, he made up some lie of wanting to surprise Yuuri with something from home.

 

Naturally they let him stay in Yuuri’s room, where he spent the night laying awake without his Yuuri once more.

 

Knowing where all of Yuuri’s fanboy memorabilia was hid under the bed and in the closet, Victor carefully spread it all out. Yuuri’s bed and nearly the whole bed was covered in poster after poster of Victor’s teenage face frozen in time.

 

_ I really was lonely back then wasn’t I? _ he thought to himself as he looked beyond the fake smile Yakov and his team had spent countless hours perfecting for the public.

 

After spending some time in memory lane, and mourning his long hair from his younger years, he gently packed up all of Yuuri’s “Sweetheart of Russia” merch and put them back where it all belonged.

 

In the morning Yuuri’s mother asked why her son had suddenly wanted to go to Detroit the other day.

 

That’s when he realized that of course, he would’ve went back to wherever Phichit was training to be close to his bff in a time like this.

 

Racing his way to the airport he couldn’t help but feel sick of the feelings of nostalgia when pacing through Hasetsu.

 

He figured since the Cup of China, a place his love would surely be, was only the day after tomorrow he’d arrive early to make plans on how to woo his Yuuri back.

It wasn’t until he’d actually landed in China, many hours later that he’d thought to check his phone.

_ Dead, of course _ .

Once his phone had enough battery to turn on, he was shocked by how many missed calls he had. A third of them were from Yurio, a third from Yakov, and a third from a private number.

His text inbox was full of expletives in English and Russian from Yurio and Yakov asking where he was and what the fuck to do with Makka since the Cup of China had been moved up.

Scrolling to the older text messages that Yurio had sent when he had initially arrived at Victor’s apartment, Victor found himself smiling. There was a picture of Potya and Makka snuggling in their gigantic bathtub together.

As he scrolled though, he read an alarming text from Yurio.

*Some lady came by looking for u*

_ Shit, I forgot about Yulia and I’s coffee taste test. _

Victor’s phone vibrated as another text from Yurio was delivered, causing his tired body to jump.

*That annoying bitch just came back again. Wtf Victor where r u? Yakov is taking Mak to the kennel rn*

Too tired to reply, Victor felt his eyes droop, thinking to himself,

_ I’m coming Yuuri, and when I reach you I can explain everything. Just don’t forget about me just yet. _

That was the first night Victor slept throughout the whole night since Yuuri disappeared from him. His dreams were filled with delicious sighs and moans of his name.

In the morning, Victor woke up to sticky sheets.

After cleaning himself up in the shower, he spent half the morning taking a really long look at himself in the mirror before heading off to the arena.

_ I know what I have to do now. _

—————————————————————

******The Day of the China Cup*******

 

Yuuri was nearly hyperventilating he was breathing so fast. He had done his other routines nearly flawless, earning him high points. But, he’d heard Phichit angrily whispering in the phone that He was there.

 

Yuuri could only guess it was Chris on the other side of the line.

 

As it was his turn to be called on the ice to perform to the song that he choreographed as a message to Him, he hoped He was out there.

 

Yuuri hoped the man his heart still beat with pain for was out in that crowd, to witness who the actual Yuuri Katsuki really was.

 

Ironically the lyrics from Stammi Vicino ran through his head one last time when the first notes of “Call Out My Name” skated across the ice:

 

**_Stay close to me, don’t go away_ **

**_I’m afraid of losing you_ **

 

_ Yeah right, the only thing He was afraid of was getting caught _ .

 

Truly giving himself to this performance, the Katsudon captivated the audience. Both the choreography, the story that Yuuri was telling with his body, and the melancholy lyrics had tears in their eyes.

Everytime he lifted his arm, mimicking Stammi Viccino, he felt like Victor was right there behind him, holding him.

Yuuri both hated and loved the feeling.

The biting cold of the ice wrapped around him like an embrace, air gliding across his cheek like a lover’s caress.

 

The crimson sequins glittered in the light against Yuuri’s creamy skin. Once again he’d managed to maintain an androgynous look, appealing to everyone’s taste. The sound of Yuuri’s skates echoing with the lyrics of the song as he landed his jumps had goosebumps forming along the audience’s body.

Hearing those lyrics, out on the ice combined with the heavy throbs of his heart that missed Him more and more with each beat, Yuuri began to cry a little.

 

By the time his routine was up, Yuuri felt a little at peace. All that heartbreak, all that longing to be held and cherished again by his one and only, was laid out for the world to see on the ice. And that was exactly where he was going to leave it all, behind him, on the ice.  

 

_ Did you see that Victor?? Hope you had your eyes on me for once. _

 

He smirked to himself. There was his Eros gusto again, except this time it wasn’t just Eros. It was his own confidence.

 

Stepping off the ice, he wasn’t watching where he was going, too proud of his performance and the way the sleeves on this costume fit like a glove. It wasn’t until he walked into Victor’s embrace had he realized the silver haired man was  _ right there _ .

 

Frozen in place as Victor’s arms wrapped around his form, he met Chris and Phichit’s eyes as they glared daggers at Victor’s back.

 

“Yuuri, please give me a moment of your time.”

He pleaded with his broken voice.

 

Attempting to walk briskly away to the kiss and cry, Yuuri ignored him as he was let go.

 

Feeling a tad guilty, Yuuri thought he would allow Victor to talk to him for just one minute.

 

Walking into a room under the bleachers, Yuuri turned in his heel, Victor smacking in to him.

 

“You get one minute.” Yuuri growled.

 

Having followed the two men, Phichit and Chris looked at Yuuri confused.

 

“Do they have to listen too? Yuuri I just want to talk to you alone?”

Yuuri rolled his eyes, already fed up with this conversation, didn’t He understand that whole skate was Yuuri letting him go?

 

“You two please wait outside, if I need anything I’ll call for you.”

 

Scowling, the two men almost refused to leave Yuuri with Victor.

 

“If you try  _ anything _ Victor I won’t hesitate to break that pretty face.” Phichit spat, Chris nodding with him as they left.

 

Annoyed and nervous as the two (ex?) lover’s were left alone in a room by themselves, Yuuri hesitantly held his tongue. Even with his newly found confidence and revelation that he didn’t exactly need Him, he genuinely wanted to hear Victor’s voice. He wanted to hear him tell him that it was all a nightmare, that he truly was in love with Yuuri and  _ only _ him.

 

“We don’t have much time,” Yuuri said in a quiet voice.

 

Taking a deep breath, Victor gave Yuuri a weak smile before speaking.

 

“Yuuri, I promised Mari, that I’d never hurt you and I see now I’ve done just that. On the plane ride here I realize I’ve also broken another promise- one that I held with myself.”

 

Off in the distance the speakers crackled, announcing placements of the competition, starting with 10th place and working their way up to 1st.

 

Yuuri held his breath trembling all over, he felt like he was going to throw up with the feelings fighting within himself. He knew he had acted irrational, not being an adult and giving Him a chance to defend himself.

 

_ I’m in the wrong too, I shouldn’t have taken off this way, running from my problems. Maybe we can work this out once we get to the bottom of this, He honestly wouldn’t cheat on me, would he? We are talking about my Vitya here, he is in love with me and always will be. _

Yuuri’s breathing quickened, hope mending and bubbling through the cracks in his heart.

 

“I promised I’d be honest with myself and I haven’t been, it’s all true. I had an excuse to tell you, that she was a wedding planner I hired, which is true...”

 

Cheers irrupted in the background, but Yuuri couldn’t hear it. It sounded like he was a million miles away.

 

“...started off that way. But after spending so much quality time with Yul-“

 

“Chris!” Yuuri breathlessly called to where the Swiss was standing outside the door.

 

_ No no no this _ can’t  _ be happening _

All that “hope” mending his broken heart from thinking it was all a mistake, a nightmare? Yeah. It’s turning into acid.

 

“P-phichit!!” A little louder this time, Yuuri got his friend’s’ attention, sliding to the floor.

 

They burst through the door, seeing Yuuri shaking in the corner.

 

“VICTOR? What have you done??” Chris yelled at the Russian.

 

“Get him out of here,” Phichit growled kneeling on the floor by his best friend.

 

_ It is all true, maybe he never was in love me. I was just a play thing until he got bored. _

 

Chris doing something he’d never thought he’d do, stood straight as a nail, a seemingly impossible feat for him, standing up against someone he thought of as a best friend. He placed himself between Victor and Yuuri, blocking his view of Phichit comforting him.

 

“I need you to leave Victor.”

 

“What is it with you Chris-“

 

Phichit and Chris both shoved Victor out of the room, just in time to hear Chris announced for bronze.

“ _ EARNING A SILVER MEDAL IS PHICHIT…” _

The door was slammed shut, shutting the cold from the ice out.

 

Although he was out of his mind, world truly falling at his feet this time, Yuuri listened as his full name and score was called out of the roaring crowd; a record shattering personal best. They all three were silent for a few minutes, everything sinking in. Phichit and Chris watched shocked as Yuuri wobbily got off the ground.

 

Hiccuping Yuuri said, “let’s go… we have medals to claim.”

 

_ How will I go on? I shouldn’t have given him even that minute of my time that I just gave. My heart feels even worse now. _

 

All three skaters walked with their arms linked, supporting Yuuri as he pushed through the doors, past Victor Nikiforov, out onto the ice.

 

With their country’s flags on their shoulders, everyone thought the three of them were teary eyed, especially Yuuri, from the medals being placed around their necks.

 

Standing out there in the dark arena with only the spotlights on them, on the ice where this all began and ended Yuuri sobbed openly, not caring as he was being pelted with roses.

 

Trying to comfort and shield their friend, Chris and Phichit wrapped themselves around Yuuri in a circle, letting him cry into their shoulders. With so many sets of arms wrapped around him, Yuuri felt like they were the only things holding him up from falling on his knees onto the ice.

  
  


That night Yuuri got back to Phichit’s and his hotel room with a gold medal and a bleeding heart. Victor, of course, walked away with nothing but a love for himself.

**Author's Note:**

> ...hello? Is anyone still there? haha 
> 
> tell me what you think in the comments,
> 
> just please no hate :3
> 
> I have more ideas for this verse...if you guys think thats cool 
> 
> follow me on twitter, I follow back!
> 
> @notunsp00kable
> 
>  
> 
> [Follow @notunsp00kable](https://twitter.com/notunsp00kable?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw)


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